Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Possible Future Conversation

Scene: Lovely family of 3/4/5 watching... America's Got Talent on TV. After some very nice dog plays the violin, a commercial plays, wherein voiceover says, "ED is a serious problem, affecting millions of men," or some such.

Child: Mommy (or Hey You, depending on how he's feeling), what's ED?

Maer: Um. (Must not say, "A reason to own a vibrator." Must not say that to seven year old.) What, honey?

Child: ED. Do I have it?

Maer: No, darling. ED is an owie that old men get. (Whew, good job! Too bad I can't distract him with a bouncing ball like the dogs.)

Child: What kind of owie?

Maer: An owie that makes them sad. (Stop asking. You're seven. Damn you, Bob Dole, for mainstreaming Viagra so many years ago. I could have handled a question about douching, but ED?)

Child: Okay.

Child turns back to television in time to watch David Hasselhoff sing Hooked on a Feeling. Maer silently thanks Omar Bradley for leading the Allied Spring Offensive, if only so that this crap isn't on the radio everyday. And, just cause I'm wondering, are Germans into pseudo-kidnapping of prostitutes? Or is it just the relationship between a man and his Kitt that turns them on?

Think that'll work? Or will it just cause my kid to say, "Do you have ED, Mister?" to every sad old man he meets? Because that could be 1. troubling, 2. hard to explain to a social worker if he's a sad old man, or 3. freakin' hilarious.


baggage said...

I've actually had the conversation with Bug.

I said, "It's when your penis doesn't work right." and she said, "EWWWWW!" and dropped it.

For now at least. Ha.

Beth said...

OOO...can I play? I might win this contest! We were at Pride this summer and Evan came back with a free package of goodies. Next thing I know 12-year-old Brian asked, "Mom, what's lube?"

Shari said...

*blink blink*

Well, that settles it. I guess we'll be throwing the television out.


Maerlowe said...

OMG Beth, it looks like I have another thing to add to my "proper parenting" list. Right underneath number 173. "Cow hormones bad!Beware precocious puberty! Soy milk!" I must now add number 174. "Explain lube in age-appropriate terms."

Thanks soooo much.

I've got a good story, too. One of my friends packed her own lunch one day in 4th grade. There were no juiceboxes in the fridge. She packed a douche instead. She, ah, learned what Summer Rain tastes like.