Thursday, November 15, 2007

WTB New Family

Anyone out there ever wanted to velcro their kids' lips shut? Maybe some eyelets?

Over the past three weeks, Huckle's started telling me it is time for him to get a new house and family. He doesn't say this when he's mad, he doesn't say this when he's unhappy, he doesn't say it when he's in time out. When we're playing play doh, or reading a book, or driving home from school, cooking dinner, whenever, he starts in on it. He only says it to me, not hubs. Until yesterday, we didn't start talking about the (hopefully) impending adoption with him. We're thinking that his internal clock is telling him that he's been in one place a long time (About as long as he's been in one place anywhere, as a matter of fact.) and that he'll be moved again pretty soon. (Too complicated for a hyper observant 4 year old?)

He's been saying things like:

This house is old. I need a new one.
You can bring me to a new house, but then you come back here.
This is not my house.
You are not my mommy, you are my old mommy and my new mommy needs me.
This is for when I meet my new mom. (Said after he'd gotten a garbage bag from the pantry, opened it, and started putting his toys, movies, and clothes in it. Toothbrush, nighttime diapers, all that stuff was represented.)

When he says this stuff, I tell him he's staying, that he won't get another mom, that he's stuck here until he's 55, all sorts of things along that vein. Even though I want to throw up when he starts going on about it, I'll say things like, "You goofy Gus, Mommy and Daddy and Huckle are a family forever!" as if he's joking, or I'll say, "Huckle, you are not moving to a new house. You are staying with us," very seriously. Still, he keeps it up, and he's getting more insistent that he's moving out. He says he'll miss us, his dogs, his room, and the rest of the family, but says that's okay.

What I'm saying is that reassuring him isn't working. We do have a therapy appointment this week, but I think I might lose it before then. Last night he talked about it every hour or so, and by the end of the night I was a mess. He and I had been doing so well together, and as far as frequency and rejecting behavior, this feels more like March or April did.

So? Velcro?


Maggie said...

Hoo boy. That's got to be hard when you have a toddler. Slugger totally doesn't buy that we're actually going to last, but at least he knows he's "supposed" to believe that. Sometimes he lets comments slip, but then he quickly retracts them. I'm able to discuss his fears much more blatantly because of his age.

Yondalla said...

Poor little boy, my heart just broke. He just can't let himself believe you are real, can he? He can't trust it.

Reminds me of moments when I have had anxiety just because everything is going so well. Suddenly I am waiting for the bad thing to happen. "It can REALLY be this good this long, can it? Better get ready...the storm is coming."

I have always been so impressed with Huckle's ability to put things into words. Most kids his age who were starting to feel anxious becaust things were going well would start spreading feces on the wall.

Does he know how far along you are in adoption plans? I've seen older kids go through panic stages when they know that is in the works.

Krissy said...

Oh, you poor thing.

I know nothing about this other than what I've read from other foster-to-adopt blogs, but honestly I think that it's because it's going so well that Huckle's behaving this way.

The better it gets the more it hurts to lose it, so he's going to cut it off now and leave before it gets so good that to lose it would kill him.

Bizarrely, it might be a kind of compliment. You're being such good parents to him that he cannot hold it in his heart. It's going to be hard for him to learn.

I think it's a sign of you doing massive, massive right to him, and I think he's just trying to protect himself from losing your love.

I can't imagine how heartbreaking that has to be. Until the barrier is broken I can imagine that the more secure he feels the more he'll assume it's coming to an end.

You've hung in there with him so well. I'm sorry that this hurts so bad.

Bacchus said...

I'm sorry to hear because I can't even imagine how hard this is for a mother to hear. I don't have any advise other than what you are already doing. When is the therapy appointment? If it is too far away can they get you in earlier or at least do a phone consult with you?

Hang in there Maerlowe and we're here for you.

Amanda said...

Wow. I want to just cry for him (and you too!). I simply cannot imagine what must happen to a 4-year-old to make him feel this way.

Thanks for being Huck's mom. I can't imagine it's easy (even if he is so worth it!).