I'm glad y'all think that CPS is kinda nutty, too, with the speed of Huckle's adoption. While I was talking to Huck's CW, I started giggling because I kept thinking, "How stupid does his supervisor think we are?" I mean, the state has been involved with him since forty five minutes after he was born, but no one can answer questions like which hospital he was born in or if he was full-term. I might be a sucker for this kid, but there's no chance that we'll go into an adoption without making total pains in the asses of ourselves to the first person who tries to blow sunshine up our skirts. I used to work at a car dealership -- I know what liars sound like, even if they are very nice liars who are lying for a reason they think is for the best.
Thank you for all your comments today. It was rough going, and even though I'd sometimes rather not have a record of how much this stuff sucks, well, an outlet was needed. I appreciate the advice from people who have done this and from people who understand what's behind all of this.
Here's some recent assvice I've gotten that hasn't been as helpful.
1. Just do fun things with him! Then he'll like you!
2. Throw away all the photographs of his mom, and don't talk about her. He's 3. He'll forget.
3. All kids like one parent more than the other.
4. He's 3. How bad can he be?
5. You decided to be foster parents. What did you expect?
And that's why everyone sucks. Except you, dear, dear, internets :)
A few footnotes:
Remember when Huckle was having night terrors? Not night terrors. Ear infection. Not caught then by the doc, only noticed on Tuesday when I took him in for prescription refills and had the doc check his ears because he has a cold. So, um, month old ear infection. No damage to the ear canal, but still a buildup of fluid. Oh, the shame.
We asked Huckle's CW if we could send a letter to Huck's family. We know their rights were terminated for reasons, but still, we have their child. I want them to at least know that he is safe and loved. As I've said before, we probably won't have time to wait 15 years. Huck's CW told us that, for our safety, we may not contact them at all.
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Looking for the happy balance between Calamity Jane and Martha Stewart.
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6 comments:
Just can't help responding to some of these...
1. Just do fun things with him! Then he'll like you!
Right. Because one trip to the zoo will erase all the anxiety of having multiple abandonments.
2. Throw away all the photographs of his mom, and don't talk about her. He's 3. He'll forget.
Even if he did, would we want him to?
3. All kids like one parent more than the other.
But Huckle doesn't dislike you. He knows that he is capable of loving and needing you. You are not safe because you are the one that if he loves, could hurt him. He rejects you because he loves you. And knowing that doesn't make it easier.
4. He's 3. How bad can he be?
Laughing too hard to compose a response.
5. You decided to be foster parents. What did you expect?
-Probably, if you read any of our blogs, you expected to be frustrated and exhausted to tears, desperately needing a sympathetic hand to hold.
And we are here.
I have mixed feelings about family contact. On the one hand, it's good for the child (sometimes). On the other it can put your family at risk because sometimes bio families can be, to be blunt, nuts.
My opinion, of course, is certainly influenced by the fact that "Ana's" family was filled with gang members and violent criminals and we weren't told until after she was already here. I definitely lost a lot of sleep over that, especially when the county sent out our address in a court notice to the "Ana's" mother.
Fortunately, the letter was returned undeliverable.
Although I understand, at least in theory, the importance of having contact with the biological family, I also have a big need to feel safe in my own home.
I love the assvice. I wonder if it will *ever* stop?
Good for you for standing up and making them give you the info they have.
I love the term assvice. It makes me think of my Hubby's father. His comment is always "Opinions are like a$$holes, everyone has one." Crude but true.
Oh for pete's sake. It's like talking to people about attachment issues. So many of the behaviors are similar to typical behaviors. The "all kids do that" comment is so annoying. But kids with issues like those Huckle's dealing with have behaviors that are magnified well beyond what's typical or normal.
We get it. Like Yondalla said, we are here.
For awhile I wrote disclosures for adoptive parents. Please remember that you have NO IDEA what information you will NOT get. This is not intentional, it's just impossible, unless it's a very limited case, to give full, accurate information regarding a child's history. Not only are there confidentiality issues (do the adoptive parents really have the right to know that the child's paternal half-sister was raped by her grandfather, for example) but sometimes the family has been involved for years and has had their rights terminated on five or six or seven children. The genogram alone would take days to create. And, what the social worker knows about the family and what the social worker can actually write into the disclosure is just, usually, different. Say the social worker suspects that the mother is cognitively limited, but has no "proof" of that. It's not going to go into the disclosure, yet it may be important information for the adoptive family to know.
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