Wednesday, March 21, 2007

One of the reasons my posting has been less frequent over the last two months is that, at the end of the day, the shitty outweighs the good. And I sometimes have no desire to rehash it, I want that day to be done, I want to keep hope that tomorrow might be better. I don't want to make it sound like Huckle's a horrible kid. Sometimes, I'd like to send him to his room until he's thirty-five, sure, but even while he's a total shithead, I still love him dearly, love having him around, and each night, no matter how upset I am or how rough he's been on me, I remind myself that there is a little boy in our home who is safe and loved and cared for who very recently was not safe.

Huck's behaviors have hurt me from the day I met him. At the start of February, I hit a point where it was all too much. I cried all the time. Even his littlest rejections did me in. Now, not as much. I've got armor where I didn't want it, I guess.

All that is to lead up to the little conversation I had with Huckle about adoption and what it means. I want you to know that, though he responded like a grade-A asshat (yes, yes, we all know why), it is okay. I actually giggled as I recounted the story to Hub, and accented it with a number of eyerolls. I felt like giving Huckle the finger, but I didn't. Yay for self control!

Anyhow, I started off with telling Huckle that he's had lots of mommies and daddies, but that when he came here, we were going to be his last mommy and daddy, and that we don't ever want him to leave. I told him that adoption means that he never has to go live anywhere else, and that he gets to stay with me, Hub, and the dogs forever. His bottom line was that he would like to be adopted by Hub and would like me to be taken away by social workers.

Ok, since I wrote that last paragraph, Hubs did some talking with Huckle about being nice to me, about how Hubs and I come as a package deal, etc. Huckle said that he has a mommy who is coming back, that he loves her, and that he hates me. We showed him her photograph, and he said, "Who's that? I love her." We told him that was Mommy Betsy (not real name). Hubs tried to explain that she's made bad decisions, and she can't come back. Huckle then screamed "No" for five minutes while kicking, screaming, and tantrumming. I excused myself from the room and had my own meltdown.


Yondalla said...

Oh's tough. And we all know why and that doesn't make it one bit easier not to feel hurt.

Can I give assvice? Don't let them push you into adoption if Huckle isn't ready for it.

It's okay to vent. I won't think you are a bad mommy.

Maggie said...

Ouch. We all want our kids to run and jump in our arms, but the fact of the matter is they probably wish they never needed us in the first place. It's safer for him to spit on you than love you. I know you know that. But knowing it logically, and living it are two very different things. I wish this was easier or you were at least seeing big leaps with his bonding.

Gawdessness said...

no bad mommies at spotted dog turn!
only tired and overwhelmed - you are right about negotiating for psychological supports!

it is so hard please keep venting when you need too -

here my youngest daughter has only just begun accepting "Daddy" - she has no need for him really, it's been eight months.

FosterAbba said...

You know the song, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to?"

Well, "It's Your Blog and You Can Vent If You Want To." I do all the time on my blog, and I really don't care if people don't like it. It's my blog.

Use your blog for what it is meant to be -- a voice for your own self-expression.

Sorry things are so tough with Huckle. I hope they get better, but in the meantime you should be jumping up and down on your worker for the appropriate services.

Do not, do not sign an adoption agreement without a subsidy in place and an agreement for medical, dental, and mental health services lined up. It's great your hubby has insurance, but it's a real benefit to have the state-sponsored insurance "just in case" you need it someday.

And, do not sign an adoption agreement until you are completely satisfied that all your questions have been answered honestly and completely.

baggage said...

You are a wonderful mommy and I'm sure it has to hurt SO DAMN BAD when he rejects you like that.

Please vent away. We are here for you.