Monday, October 09, 2006

In which I almost start singing the Rolling Stones

I haven't known what to write lately, so I haven't written anything. Right now, I'm eating a can of wasabi peas, talking to a few old pals on Ventrilo, and trying to decide what's next.

Making a lot of things has been very nice lately. It is good to be working with a looming deadline, filling the spare rooms with toys, baby bedding, blankets, and other things, and to know that -- if they're appealing to others -- they'll have another home soon. But even that -- the chance my things might not be chosen, more specifically -- is worrying me. That a number of things have been purchased lately makes me feel like I'm floating, but still, I get scared.

I'm a bit down. I'm feeling... over processed. Or burnt. Or just tired. When we started out with the idea of adopting, I felt so optimistic. But now, I think I've just read to much, learned too much, and had too many disappointments and hard decisions in too short a time. And I'm frustrated that we're missing out on future events because we've got no idea of our time frame. I'm tired of not knowing, I'm tired of questioning, and above all, I'm scared. I'm scared we might still be in this limbo in another six months or year, I'm scared to say yes to the wrong kids, I'm scared to say no to the wrong kids, I don't even know if I'd recognize the right kid if he came up and kicked me in the shins. I'm tired of thinking about the ramifications of becoming a transracial family, I'm tired of learning about FAS, I'm tired of worrying about future rages and explosions, I'm scared we'll have to give our dogs away, I really don't want to have to spend weekends patching drywall or taping windows over with garbage bags or driving two hours to an RTC to visit an out of control child, and I don't want to ever, ever make a choice that will ruin my bond with my husband.

I've been thinking lately that I've made a huge mistake by starting down this path. It hurts so much to see that written, but there it is. I do not know if I am strong enough, tough enough, loving enough, patient enough, or whatever other words that were or weren't in the song "Beast of Burden."

I think this will pass. I think it has just been too long without good news on this front, and it is making my heart shrivel up a little bit. I'm just feeling lost.

Say hi? Please?

7 comments:

Beth said...

Hi sweetie.

Take care of yourself.

Is there a way that you can work with kids in the foster care system? Is it possible for you to tell the local division that you want to do respite care only? Or is there some other activity that you can volunteer for? Spending time with children who are somewhat like the children you may adopt may help you gain some confidence and understanding of where your skills lie.

I was really surprised by what I could handle after I got started. I was only planning on taking care of Carl, but I turned out to be good at dealing with teenagers (I can't tell you how surprising that still sounds to me).

What gets into the blogs is usually the hardest part. The rewards are harder to express, but they are there, and they do usually outweigh the bad -- even my hardest placement, the one I couldn't keep, is not something I would give up. Ann has a place in my heart that no one else does.

Krissy said...

Hi.

I don't have adopted children and I haven't done foster care, but I can't imagine how hard it is waiting and not knowing and waiting and not knowing. It reminds me of what I read from women trying to get pregnant and being diagnosed with "unspecified infertility".

There's no reason it should be taking this long and it sucks. What I promise is that it is not a cosmic judgement of your ability to parent, or the right you have to want to parent.

All of us walk into this parenting thing blind. Just try and hang in there and do your best. You'll find your feet.

Hang in there.

CA Momma said...

I wish I could help you with this. I am in much the same situation. We have done one adoption and in the end it is worth it. It sure is hard to see when we're on the other side though. Our 2nd adoption is just dragging.....

Margaret said...

I know the feeling, sister. Many times during my Russian adoption process I thought to myself that, if it weren't for my knowing and loving the boy I was trying to adopt, I would have given up. It sucks the life right out of you at times. The same has held true for domestic adoption.

But I have always bounced back from my low points and you will too. You've got the heart of a mother, and you've got the spirit and the drive to parent a hurt child. The only ingredient you're missing is the child!

Hang on. Just hang on.

FosterAbba said...

When we first signed up for our PRIDE training, we were really thinking we were going to be adoptive parents. By the time our first class had started, we'd done too much research and read about FAS, ODD, ADD, RAD and all the other nasty syndromes that end in "D."

We decided to foster instead.

We are still open to the idea of adopting, but we are more interested in taking in a kid to whom we make no promises, at first. Once we figure out if the kid is a good fit, and whether or not we like each other, then we'll make that decision.

Adoption is scary.

It's even more scary when you think about all the problems that you can bring into your lives.

The truth is, we might never adopt, but at least we can provide a loving home for a child for a period of time. And, maybe, the planets will align so that that it turns into a long-term thing.

jeneflower said...

I understand. My emotions have run the gamut on this adoption journey. From excitement to nausea to worry to anticipation to happiness to headaches, etc. I still don't know what we have signed up for. Honestly, we hope it will be great, but there is always a big unknown.

The domestic process sounds grueling. In the end it is a leap of faith no matter what.

Amie said...

One year, 2 months, 21 days after we took our orintation class and we are still in termoil, thinking, maybe by this time next month, or next week, or tomorrow, we will know something. I don't say that to discourage you, but to be real. When we first started this, we believed it would be 4/6mo. and were told as much. I wish someone had told me a year and a half.

I don't know why we stick with it but if it is right it is right. I think we will know and you will to.

Blessings,

Amie